Darkness of awakening…….

I use the title “On my quest to spirituality” because I had just signed up for my yoga teacher training.  Life long goal of mine and I had always seen myself having this huge awakening of stars, explosions and lots of white lights.  Instead, I was feeling fat, nauseated, wanting to scratch my eyes out, my AA boobies swelled to a full A cup and depressed like a mofo!  What the fuck?!

Let me back up a few weeks….I knew that this man was not the person I was suppose to be with when I was enjoying a bit of Eckart Tolle and I get a phone call from the loser saying that he’s at the court trying to pay outstanding tickets…but, doesn’t have the cash to pay all of them.  If they don’ t get paid by today, he would be arrested. (there was a baby jesus, but I looked the other way)  The little savior that I am, puts my amazing book down and goes flying to the courthouse to bail out this ‘non-soulmate”.  I’m already feeling shitty and embarrassed as I’m handing over my wad of cash but, I also get the look from the female judge. (you know the one…from me to him, back to me, with pity oozing out of her eyeballs)  As we walk back to my car…..I get scolded by Mr. Missing Teeth about how I better not say anything and that I’m not better than him…… excuse me, I haven’t even said a fucking word to you, loser! (Out of that whole scenario….what stuck with me was the look the female judge gave me….the look of pity.  Who wants to ever be pitied?!  That was the true “A HA” moment, I never want someone to look at me like that, again!  And, if i continued with this idiot, I would forever get the look) 
So, when I saw the “+” on that stick, I melted onto my bathroom floor and did not know if I would ever be able to stand back up. Let alone yoga….
But, the one certainty that I did know was that I could not have a baby with this light sucking demon.  And he made it very clear, he wanted the baby…as he walked out of my house to go tail-gating the first college football game of the season……..
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On my quest to spirituality……..

A year ago I was dating a guy who was definitely, hands down the bottom of the barrel pick.  Why?  (I still ask myself that..) He was tall, dark, semi-toned, socially unacceptable and had a handful of missing teeth. ( visible missing teeth!  Where he loved to flick his tongue through the gaping fucking hole) At that time, I really felt he was my last chance to being in love.  (where did that thought come from?)  But, anyways, I still chose to put up with his erratic behavior, severe weight loss (only dated 3 months) and small semi-hard dick.  Because, clearly this was the man of my dreams!  Well, low and be hold at the age of 33, I get pregnant with this dick wad! (in the last 17 years of having unprotected, stupid sex did I ever get pregnant! Agh!) Again, this must be the man of my dreams!  The universe clearly had a plan for me……I should have let him stick it in my ass like he wanted and I wouldn’t be stuck in this predicament.